I don't want to lose another.

I tried to explain to someone why your choices hurt me so much the other day.

It dawned on me that I have already lost one brother, I don't want to lose another. Be it through your drug use killing you or me reaching the point of no longer having your in my life like dad. It's not what I want.

We have wildly different memories of how we grew up. My memories are largely happy and we were always siblings and friends because we grew up in such a rural location. I have tons of pictures of you being goofy and fun before all of this started. You were so happy. We all were.

When J. died, I realized that he and I had never gone more than a couple of weeks not talking. We go longer than that and usually that's when you are using again. In fact, if I haven't heard from you at least by text for 3 weeks or longer, it's likely you're using again.

You talk a lot about not having friends or anyone to do things with, but you pushed away the actual friends you have had all along by choosing drugs over family. The people you've chosen in place of the people who have been there all along are not your friends. They are there to use you. They are there to keep you down. Your family can be your friends but not when the Meth Monster rears its ugly head.

I've said it a thousand times but your choices don't just impact you. I've spent more time than I can count worrying about you. Even before you started using meth, I would worry about you hurting yourself. I would call mom and tell her to watch you closer while I was away. I've spent basically your whole life worrying about you. All the years I lived in SD, I would just get a feeling. Those feelings were usually right.

I can't even imagine how mom feels. She's lost a husband to drugs. She lost a son to illness. She doesn't need to lose another son. Your choices impact her health more than you know. The Meth Monster will end up killing you and mom.

I don't want to lose any more of my family than I already have.

The Meth Monster

You worry so much that how you live your life will alienate people. The things that you worry about people judging you for are the least of your worries.

The thing that will push people away from you are the drugs. It will always be the drugs.

People don't care about your mental illness. That's no big deal. You dealing with whatever going on in your head with drugs is the big deal.

Constant manipulation of people so you can get drugs, that will push people away.

Basically, all of the behaviors that are the result of your drug use are the reasons people keep their distance.

You worry so much about disappointing people, but the real disappointment is when you start using again. We all love you very much but the person you become when you are on meth is unbearable. There is no way for any of us to support and love you when the meth monster takes over.

And that's exactly who you become. The Meth Monster.

It's hard to reconcile memories of you being a sweet and caring little kid and the raging lunatic you become when you use. The Meth Monster takes over.

Gone is the funny friend. The Meth Monster takes over.

Gone is the guy who I could talk wildcrafting with. The Meth Monster takes over.

Gone are the ideas you used to have. The Meth Monster takes over.

The Meth Monster is killing you. Literally and figuratively. The longer The Meth Monster takes over, the less of "you" seems to come back.

Join a Cult..... Please

I am writing this because this is the only way I know how to deal with my family's ordeal with drugs and alcohol. I write. I used to journal. I know my family is not the only family going through this, but some times it feels very lonely. It's isolating.

My dad is an addict. My dad's dad was an addict. My brother is an addict. Many of my friends were addicts (I say were more because they were my friends and either died or I cut them out of my life for self preservation - not because they got clean).

I've decided to call it Join a Cult..... Please because it honestly feels like short of death, the only way out of this.

I normally wouldn't advocate that people join cults, but there comes a point of desperation where you hope that anything, even a cult, will help make the lives of those around you better.

I find myself thinking "just join a cult.... please" pretty much every day. When faced with the choice of having a loved one join a cult or be a drug addict, a cult member seems like the easier way.

Hell, there are even days I find myself thinking "why can't you be a heroin addict?" Downers are so much less stressful than meth. Though none of it is easy.

Meth compounded with mental illness is even worse than meth. It's not just a problem for the person doing it, it becomes the problem of everyone around them. Your loved ones. Your neighbors. Everyone. Then there's the vicious cycle of psychosis caused by meth. After a while, it doesn't go away even if you get clean. And again, everyone around you is left picking up the pieces.

When you have a family member that has nothing to do, no structure other than thinking about drugs, you want them to find something that will give them structure and exert control over them. A cult is one way of doing that. I'm not an advocate of brainwashing, but if a cult can brainwash away the meth, I'm all for it.

Perhaps rehab would be more effective if brainwashing was a common technique At this point, I feel that rehab is a scam (I still don't know of anyone who actually stayed clean after attending rehab).

Sure you will probably lose contact with your loved one, but at least there is some illusion of their safety if they aren't out using. I say illusion because we know how the Branch Dividian's ended. Ultimately, you lose contact with them anyway, unless they are trying to manipulate money out of you. With a cult, that's typically not the case.

I know that a cult isn't really a viable option, but there are days it feels like it is the only way.